COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
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A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”