No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
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I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.