Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
The photographer’s assistant
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.