9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
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*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.