At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
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Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
accurate
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does