I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
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[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.