You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
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Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.