My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
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Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?