Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
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Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Never ghost your hitman.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT