I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
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[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.