Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
You Might Also Like
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
scares