Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
You Might Also Like
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
when there are deer in the woods
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
My life in a nutshell
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.