People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
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British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’