I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
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Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!