When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
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*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
sugar glider wrangler
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind