I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
they split up moments later
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.