DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
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Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.