I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
You Might Also Like
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.