Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
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Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*