Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
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Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw