women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.