Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
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Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
crazy
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I’ve had relationships like this
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]