I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
A couple who are silly together stay together.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this