The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
You Might Also Like
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
i wish i could marry a nap
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I have never related to anyone more.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Stop.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.