I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
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Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it