Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
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One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I self medicate, therefore you live.