I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
You Might Also Like
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.