We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
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You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
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I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies