If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
What if the weather talks about us?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable