🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
hey, alexa
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.