When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
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[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
me: my friends:
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.