I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
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“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.