Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
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Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
ACED my prostate exam!
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Selfie
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.