I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
me hooking up with my ex
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
He took my last fry, your honor
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase