Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
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“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Penguins walking in 5x speed