Cauliflower has a good publicist.
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[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.