Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?