[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
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Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I can’t be the only one 😂
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Siri, fight Alexa.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield