I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
You Might Also Like
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
The honesty is refreshing
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.