if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
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If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.