Acronyms got me like WTF?
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teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I cannot call her anything else now
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face