Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
You Might Also Like
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.