* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Lmaoo 😂
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast