Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
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Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Husband of the year 😂
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks