“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
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Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!