Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
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Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night