The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
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When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Oh no
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣