I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
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If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
*jingles half the way*
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.