Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
work smarter, not harder
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.