doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
You Might Also Like
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
<- sleeps well with others
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.